Earlier last year, when bookstores started re-opening by appointment only, I ventured out to BlueWillow Bookshop in Houston. It is one of my happy places. And just walking around in the shop and looking at new books was so invigorating! I spent a lot of time (and a little too much money!) there that day. While I was there, a woman came in who was looking for a children’s book that she had heard was coming soon. She began to talk with the woman who was working behind the counter while the woman was searching through the database trying to find said book. Friend, normally, I try not to listen to people’s conversations. They are none of my business! But it had been MONTHS since I’d been in a social situation of any kind that involved people I didn’t know. So, I admit–I listened. The woman said she was hoping her daughter-in-law would even give the books to her grandson. She complained that the daughter-in-law didn’t like her and had her own way of doing things. Then, she said that her daughter-in-law thought she knew it all already and wrote a blog telling everybody else how they should live their lives as if she knew it all already. The woman said this all bitterly, obviously scoffing at the youth and inexperience of her daughter-in-law. And though the whole situation made me curious to meet her daughter-in-law and get the other side to this sad tale, I left the book store that day wondering if I come off the same way. Do my family members and friends think I’m writing because I think I’ve got it all figured out? I cringed at the thought. I still cringe! But really, do they? Please tell me you don’t think that!
And it sort of paralyzed my writing.
Could I write anything that wouldn’t get me judged? I didn’t want to feel judged. Don’t you hate that feeling? So I just avoided writing at all.
Well, that’s not true. I wrote 195,133 words in my freewrite journal last year. Words never meant for anyone else’s eyes. Unedited words and sentences that were floating around in my mind and needed a place to go. I’m a writer–words are a part of who I am!
I avoided sharing my words.
And over the past year, I have thought about this a lot. Plus I turned 40. A lot of women told me that turning 30 or turning 40 changed their perspectives on life and suddenly, as if a switch had been flipped, they stopped caring what other people thought about them or whether people were judging them. And I think in a lot ways, the years have eased my fears of living life the way I feel is right. But often, I am following feelings—illogical, inexplicable feelings—that I am not sure I could defend if I had to. And why do I even feel like I have to? I don’t know. I guess I don’t have to. I felt like we needed to get a puppy. I felt like we needed to sell our house. Neither of those actions felt logical or appealing at the time (and some days I still shake my head about this trouble-making ball of fluff, or I cry at how much I miss the familiarity of our old home and neighbors and church congregation and school) and I still could not defend those decisions if I had to explain myself in an interview or interrogation. There was no logical data I used to make my decisions. I mean, did I research the type of puppy that might be a good fit for our family? Of course. But I didn’t know. Anyway, I think because my faith is continuously growing, it feels like a precious plant I grew from a seed—I want to protect it! I don’t want to put it out in the middle of the backyard to get trampled. I want to keep it safe and let it continue to grow and flourish. So sharing my word and my journey this year of growing my faith felt so very uncomfortable and vulnerable to me. I am sure that probably came across in my writing and I am sorry if you felt like I was holding back. I guess I was.
Looking back, I am grateful for 2021. Was it the year I’d hoped it would be? Nope. But was it the year I needed? Absolutely. And I am thankful for the growth my faith experienced through the year. I am grateful that I was pushed out of my comfort zone time after time because it made me grow.
Looking forward, I am excited for my new word. I am excited for the opportunity to grow and to see how the faith I gained last year along with the experiences I’ve had with my previous words through the years will continue to bless my life. I have my past four years of vision boards hanging in my new office. I love them! They inspire me each time I glance at them. I see four years of growth and I love that each represents a different word, but they all feel familiar—each a part of who I was and who I still am.
So, while I have never cared what people thought in a want-to-be-popular way, I do recognize that if people think you are horrible, they won’t listen to anything you have to say. And I am not horrible. Human, yes. Imperfect through and through. So I try to be super careful about what I say and write and do because I want to represent myself honestly. And I hope that as I do, I can earn the trust of my readers and friends and acquaintances. And they will want to read what I have written and listen to what I have to say because they know it has value. Not that I’ve got life all figured out—I most definitely do not—but as I’m piecing things together, I like to share what I’ve learned in hopes that what I share will help all who are also trying to progress along their journeys. We are each in different places, facing different struggles. But if I can alert you to a pothole in the road, I hope it will help you navigate around it. And, no, I do not feel like my purpose in life is to please everybody/anybody else. That’s not it. I do think that we could all do a little more to be considerate of each other in our words and actions. And I hope that as we work together to navigate this life, we will see the beauty in all of it. Because there is joy there–immeasurable joy.
I hope you’ll come back to visit as I push myself to share more with you this year!
It’s so good to her from you again !! Enjoyed your honesty. I understand that feeling of second guessing myself because of what people say or what I might think they are saying. Thanks for the inspiration to keep on trying. Looking forward to hearing more this year.