Solving the Comparison Problem

At a recent Houston SCBWI meeting, I sat in the back of the room with a dear friend and listened to two fantastic (and successful) children’s book authors discuss some of the challenges they face now and some of the challenges they faced early in their careers. I was surprised to hear both of these women admit their biggest struggles were with the same thing: comparisons.

Their readiness to agree with the magnitude of this challenge and the way it resonated with everyone in the room, really got me thinking.

How do we compare ourselves to others?

We see them on social media buying new stuff that we instantly envy. We see them ousting about vacations or excursions that look enviable. We see them—online or in person—and compare our appearances and begin to make assumptions: they must work out more than I do, they eat better ALL THE TIME, they _______________ better. 

When I was in 8th grade, I rode the bus from the tiny town of Dundee, Florida, to Boone Middle School in Haines City. I learned a lot about how the world works from those school bus rides. If you haven’t ridden a school bus before or given it much thought, keep in mind that they work in routes, so children are picked up by neighborhood. Typically all of the kids on one bus are from the same, or similar neighborhoods. It makes logistical sense, right? But kids in middle school don’t think about logistics. Hierarchies always form.

I usually sat somewhere near the middle of the bus, but on this day for some reason I don’t remember now, I was sitting in the front of the bus near some kids I knew (in a small town, it’s easy to know almost everybody), but didn’t usually talk to.  The girl was a really nice girl with long, straight brown hair and a slightly larger build, though not at all obese. The boy’s blond hair was in a buzz cut, a little longer on top. He was an average build for an 8th-grade boy. This was the early nineties so they both wore gold necklaces–you know the rope chains. I, on the other hand, was a bean pole. I was so skinny I always felt self-conscious about it. My family was too poor, so I never owned one of those gold rope chains (or any gold chains for that matter). I tried to compensate for that by finding good deals on nicer clothes (as in not from Wal-Mart or the flea market, but from the clearance rack at Belk’s or Dillard’s). It worked for the most part. This particular day, however, as I sat by these two on the bus, I witnessed (and recognized) faulty comparisons in action for the first time.

The girl–who was probably just as self-conscious about her size as I was about mine–started looking over at me, then looking at herself and criticizing herself out loud. She started saying things like, “I need to paint my nails again. My polish is chipping.” My nails were not painted at all. “I didn’t have time to fix my hair this morning.” My hair was probably wet still because I always took a morning shower and didn’t own a blow dryer.  “I need to shave.” At that comment, the boy joined in. 

“Yeah, you do! She probably shaves every day!” He said gesturing to me. What?! Who shaves every day? It definitely wasn’t me!  The conversation moved on before I could even think of how to respond, but it has never left me.

Why do we assume that everyone else is doing what we aren’t? We continue that flawed logic to buy into the next, and most damaging part of the lie: we believe that because someone else is doing or looking a certain way when we aren’t, that somehow makes her better than us somehow. 

Let’s consider an example to put this into perspective a little more. Imagine you have a pet goldfish and your friend has a Great Dane. You and your friend find yourselves talking about your pets one day. Would you suddenly believe that your fish is inferior because he didn’t bark at anyone that morning, can’t be leashed, or never licked you? No! And would your friend believe that her dog is inferior because he doesn’t fit into a bowl, have shiny fins, and eat teeny flakes of fish food once a day? Nope. Why? Because you know that your fish is a fish. It does what fish do. It is a good fish. You can’t compare your fish to your friend’s big dog. BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT THE SAME!

And neither are we. Any of us.

How does comparing harm us?

It is crippling to assume that you are “less than” because you are not the same as someone else. The reality is you AREN’T someone else. You’re just not. And that is how the world is supposed to be! Comparing our insides to someone else’s outsides will never be an accurate—or worthwhile—comparison. NEVER.

In her book Love Your Life Not Theirs, Rachel Cruze mentions how debilitating it was for her to spend time on social media. She jokes about how #blessed is really just another way to pull off a “humble brag.” Her solution? She took a break from social media and then when she finally returned, she returned armed with the knowledge that she had to celebrate her own life and her friendships and not compare herself and her life to those highlight reels she was seeing on social media.

Maybe the only argument in favor of comparisons is in the idea of comparing “oranges to oranges.” That is in comparing yourself to yourself. This can be helpful to measure the progress you’ve made or to encourage you to return to some point of “former glory.” It can be helpful to remember you’ve done it before, so you can do it again. But beware. I would not do myself any favors if I tried to compare my pre-baby body to my post-baby, late 30s body.  I need to remember all that my body has done, all the miraculous life it has lived—and given—and celebrate that and treat it accordingly. But I can say that I know I felt better when I walked for 30 minutes each day, better than when I am not walking each day, and use that comparison to help me prioritize my morning walk each day.

How can we stop?

We hear people talk about how we need to stop comparing, but then the conversation stops there. I would argue that the majority of people already recognize that comparisons are not productive or helpful, they just feel guilt and shame and those two emotions never inspire progress. They stagnate.

So instead of feeling shamed for comparing, let’s look at how we can stop doing it. 

Paige Britt identified comparing as a “habit of the mind.” And just like any habit, it can be broken. 

When my younger brother was little, he bit his fingernails all the time. Our mom tried everything she could think of to get him to stop through the years. She painted gross flavors on his fingernails. She threatened to take things away. But do you know what really helped him stop biting them all the time? When he finally decided he wanted to. I bet you can think of bad habits you had or someone close to you has had that were overcome. The first step is desire. Until you want to change the habit, you never will.

Once you have decided that you want to break this habit of comparing yourself to others, you need to recognize your triggers. My stepdad quit smoking out of pure desire, but for the rest of his life, his hand subconsciously reached to his shirt pocket when he was stressed or uncomfortable. If he had kept a pack of cigarettes in his pocket, he’d never have kicked the habit. If you recognize that you typically fall into these vicious cycles when you are tired, or hormonal, or stressed, then maybe you decide to stop checking your Instagram feed before bed or during certain times of the month. Take the cigarettes out of your shirt pocket. If–like Rachel Cruze–social media is your catalyst, consider taking a break from it for at least 10 days. Recognize the validity and beauty of your own life before you allow yourself to return.

The third thing to remember is easier said (or written) than done: give yourself grace. If you slip up and find yourself comparing yourself to Linda while you’re sitting in a meeting feeling totally inadequate, all is not lost. Recognize how your thoughts jumped the track from admiration to comparison. Choose how you will keep them on track next time. And keep trying! Just like any habit you are trying to kick, it will take time and effort, but if it is truly important to you, don’t give up. Joy is worth it—and so are you!

And when you do get derailed, have a plan to get back onto the track without losing too much ground. This could be lyrics to a song or a favorite quote. Maybe you picture someone you love who loves you too much to see you selling yourself short.  Choose it now. Then when you find yourself deep in comparison mud, you can get out of it by calling on this mental tow truck.  

Let’s stop letting comparisons steal our joy. Let’s make 2019 full of JOY! I hope this helps.

If you are interested in joining me for a year-long journey to add more joy to our lives with focused videos and challenges, enrollment is open until January 31, 2019, for my Joy On! Class. I’d love to see you there.