I recently shared a few things I’ve learned about the science of forgiving.Hopefully those helped to motivate you to want to forgive. Today, we are going to look at some ideas for how to forgive someone. I am by no means an expert in this field, but am applying these principles right along with you.
Dr. Robert Enright, a developmental psychologist and co-founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, designed forgiveness interventions for therapy. His forgiveness model includes four essential elements:
1-Uncover your Anger
Dr. Frederic Luskin, co-founder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, says this first step involves teasing apart what he calls “your grievance story.” He teaches that when you blame someone else for how you are feeling instead of holding them to account for their actions, you keep yourself stuck in the role of the victim and are trapped by inaction. Luskin encourages participants to “find the impersonal in the hurt” by realizing how many other people have experienced a similar offense or disappointment and how common it is, while acknowledging that most offenses are committed without the intention of hurting anyone personally. Luskin says that even though there is a personal aspect to an offense, acknowledging the possibility of unintentional offense can lessen the pain and blame.
One fantastic way to uncover your anger is through writing. Whether you write in a paper journal or type it into your computer (or any other electronic device), you can dump all of your feelings into words on a page. Let it all out. You do not have to spell correctly or even have logical sentences. Just freewrite whatever comes to your mind. You could even use voice dictation. The point of this exercise is to get the words out of your head and onto a page/screen where you can see them.
When you are finished, you can keep it, rip it into a million pieces, print it and burn it, whatever. But get those words out. Let them work themselves out of your mind and heart and onto something else. The more time you give yourself to write it out, the more you will be able to articulate what you are feeling and why. I often begin such journaling sessions simply as journals but as I realize what is in my heart, I allow my mind to focus there and I try to purge as much of those feelings as I can onto the page. Once they are out of the muddled mess in my head and organized into sentences and paragraphs, I can do more with them. I see them.
2-Decide to Forgive
You must make a conscious decision to forgive someone. It will not “just happen.” Yes, you can suppress the memory sometimes, but those pesky offenses always seem to resurface at the most inconvenient times. I don’t think that you necessarily have to tell the other person that you are now forgiving them. Often, the other person is oblivious to the offense or may not even be remorseful. You decide. Before you do, however, keep the following questions in mind:
What will telling them accomplish?
Will it make the situation better or worse?
If you are telling your friend that you forgive her for forgetting your birthday after the two of you had made plans the month before, will you only make her feel guilty when she’s already got a lot on her mind? Or will this open communication strengthen your friendship and help her understand that birthdays are really important to you?
Whether or not you make your forgiveness public or not, say it out loud or write it down. Take it from an abstract to a concrete action.
“I forgive __________ for __________________. ”
3-Work on Forgiveness
The offense may be deep and it may have happened so long ago that it has had plenty of time to fester. If so, removal and healing will take time. Start now. You may need to talk to a professional. You will probably need to give yourself time (and an extra dose of patience). Working on forgiveness means consciously progressing daily. Look for the good in your offender(s) and/or your situation rather than focusing on their faults and magnifying their weaknesses. In my original post about forgiveness, I shared Oprah’s quote, “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different.” Embrace the present. Be grateful for who you are and who you can become.
If you are religious, this is an excellent time to include your efforts in your prayers. Ask for strength. Ask for help. Forgiveness will not happen instantaneously, but it will happen. Our hearts can change, but only if we let them. Incorporating faith into the forgiveness process has definitely enhanced my own efforts exponentially.
I often imagine forgiving to be like the proverbial “monkey trap.” Sometimes, we have held on to an offense so long, we forget we are even carrying it around with a huge trap. When we slowly uncurl our fingers and let go, we release ourselves from the trap and realize freedom we forgot we were missing. But, sometimes letting go takes time. Muscle memory is real. We have to keep working those muscles to get them free. It is not always one quick movement. We might need to stretch and stretch and keep trying until we are finally free.
4-Release from Emotional Prison
When you have finally released your grip and let go of an offense, you can experience greater freedom. This freedom will enable you to do things you did not even imagine were possible. Want to write that novel? Run that marathon? Sing that solo? Paint that painting? The possibilities are endless! When we remove ourselves from the emotional trap and allow ourselves to forgive, we walk away from that pain and invite light and peace and joy into our lives and our souls.
Once the forgiving process has been completed, don’t be upset if you don’t forget about it. That is normal. We all have scars–physical and emotional ones. Remembering experiences in our lives helps us to prevent similar experiences in the future. For example, I have a burn mark on my leg from carelessly driving and subsequently pulling a riding lawnmower as a teenager. Let’s just say I was never careless when I drove the lawnmower again. The same is true with experiences. I remember how it felt to be publicly humiliated by a complete stranger. Because of that pain, even though I have since forgiven said stranger, I will never want to inflict a similar pain on someone else. I am also not as inclined to fly to our next family vacation destination.
Don’t Give Up
Just like anything else that requires time and effort, we may be tempted to give up. I am here to assure you that the benefits of continued effort far outweigh the costs. Keep trying. Forgiving is worth it. I think it’s like giving your soul a flea bath. Maybe you’ve gotten used to those fleas on your soul, but the minute they are gone, you will notice the peace and be so relieved you are rid of that discomfort
