Coping During Rough Momming Days

You know those older computers where you click on an icon (with a mouse, pre-touchscreen) and nothing seems to happen so you click on it again and again? Suddenly, you have several windows of the same program open on your screen.

That’s basically what happened in our family.

It took several years of wishing and praying and hoping and crying and praying some more before I was blessed with the opportunity to be a mom. To twins. 15 months later, a third baby joined our family. In what were probably the shortest two years of my entire life, another little boy joined our family. And then just as I was catching my breath, our one and only baby girl came along. Now that our “baby” is three and our four older boys are all in elementary school, I have been reflecting on the hectic times we’ve seen in the past decade. I shared a few of those life lessons here.

Today I don’t want to talk about life lessons, but about parenting lessons I’ve learned–and am still learning–along the way. Please know that I am by no means an “expert.” I don’t have the answers for everything. And some days I feel like I can’t do anything right. I think that’s motherhood. But I have had a few opportunities to get some things right and a whole lot of things wrong and I have learned tons from that myriad of mistakes. And because sharing what I’ve learned is a huge part of who I am, I want to share a few coping strategies with you today.

But first, I have two important things to mention.

Disclaimer #1:

You know how I said that I am not a parenting expert? I’m not. I am an expert when it comes to my own kids and their particular personalities and strengths and weaknesses because that has been my field of study. You, dear friend, are an expert when it comes to your kids. So while today I will share with you some things that have helped me and worked for me, please do not assume that I am telling you that these EXACT things will work for you. My hope in sharing these is that they will inspire you to think of your own children and your own personality and how you could adapt one–or all–of these practices to help you on those rough momming days.

Disclaimer #2:

And now to the rough momming days. Guess what–we ALL have them! Every mom blog worth its webspace is replete with stories about those roughest of rough days. Though they may look different from the outside, the same things are happening on the inside: a child is struggling and a mother is crumbling. It’s the perfect storm. And we store those inside our hearts and minds and conjure them up again and again at the WORST times to remind us of our shortcomings and failings and to convince us that we really aren’t cut out for this. Why oh why do we do that? What I want to remind you is that these rough days that seem to span eras are universal. They are part and parcel to the whole mothering gig. Please give yourself grace and know that you are not alone. If none of my five suggestions help you, I hope that they at least inspire you to brainstorm some go-to solutions for your own unique situation.

Coping Strategy #1: THIS IS NOT FOREVER

I say it like a mantra, out loud or in my mind: This is not forever.

I have whispered this to myself more times than I care to admit. When a child refuses to sleep for weeks on end, or a newborn hasn’t quite figured out how to latch and I am bleeding and sore in too many places, or two boys can’t exist in the same zip code without intense name-calling and fist-throwing. IT WON’T LAST FOREVER.

This idea of temporariness brings me so much comfort.

I can endure quite a bit if I know it isn’t permanent. It is those moments when I wonder, “Will it be like this from now on?” that I really struggle. So, no, he will not say he hates you every day for the rest of his life. No, she won’t insist on changing her clothes every 27 minutes for the rest of her life. No, he will not always cry when you leave the room. These things will not last forever.
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Coping Strategy #2: See Their Potential

When our twins were potty training and our third son was getting into everything and I was pregnant with baby boy number four, my mom lent me a book. The book was special because it was the last book my stepdad was reading before he passed away. It was a biography. And even though I could barely keep my eyes open some days, I felt compelled to read it.

One of my biggest takeaways was from the genre itself, not necessarily the subject of the book. I read about the childhood and life of this inspiring individual and realized that there could be a similar book written about my own child(ren) someday. This one thought really changed a lot for me.

Instead of looking at my two-year-old son who was deliberately disobeying me and seeing his current misbehavior, I started thinking of his potential. I started looking at him as who he could become and thoughts like, “I might be talking to the future President of the United States,” or “I might be looking at a future Nobel Prize winner,” changed my perspective.

Yes, right now he may be wearing dirty socks because he insists they are the coolest pair and he has to wear them again or he can’t go to school. But that doesn’t define who he is and who he has the potential to become. If I can see past the tiny, frustrating, and sometimes gross minutia–and help him to see his potential, too–I consider that true success. 

Coping Strategy #3: Sing a Silly Song

Sometimes a situation is SO frustrating I can’t even see straight. I just want to scream! But do you know what I try do instead? I sing the silliest song I can think of. One of my favorites can be found here on YouTube. The lyrics may entice you to adopt the same song out of sheer ridiculousness:

I also randomly sing songs from Brite Kids. Ironically, my husband and I were both raised on these fantastic songs. If you are looking for excellent songs and audiobooks that instill values and are fun and entertaining at the same time, I can’t recommend these enough. They bring back all kinds of nostalgia for me, so that may be why I am so partial to them. They are definitely from the 80s, but my little ones all enjoyed the “I Have a Song For You” albums. (Sidenote: they also learned the Preamble to the Constitution from the “Take Your Hat Off When The Flag Goes By” album.)

One of my best memories of my dad during my childhood was of the silly songs he made up after about hour 20 of a LONG roadtrip. He drove from San Antonio, Texas, to central Florida and back with very little sleep. I typically stayed awake to make sure he stayed awake. But his silly songs–I’m sure created out of necessity with four young kids packed together in a small car–were game-changers. He changed the words of a then-popular John Michael Montgomery song and instead sang, “When I was 14 I was fallin’ fast for a blue-eyed girl with a black mustache!” He also sang, “Ooh! Aah! Lake Charles” every time we crossed over the Lake Charles bridge in Louisiana. To this day, I sing it when we drive over with our family and if there is daylight, I try to shoot a picture of the Lake Charles sign at the foot of the bridge and send it in a text to a sibling.

When I can step back from a maddening situation and start singing a ridiculous song, it diffuses the entire situation. My anger and frustration melt away with each silly line and my kids are almost always caught off-guard and end up smiling. It is far better than letting anger and frustration mount. That never ends well. Seriously, not pretty.

Coping Strategy #4: Tickle.

A few years ago I heard a parenting expert talk about the unifying power that comes when parents laugh with their kids. She said that the power is amplified when a physical connection (like a hug or a tickle) is involved.

So, naturally, I gave it a shot. Now when I am facing a fire-breathing child who could kill me with his laser-death-stare, I get just close enough and then I swoop him in for a hug. He almost always fights me to get away, so while he’s squirming to be released from the mom-hug, I will ask a silly question like, “Wait, are all your ribs still there? Hold on, let me check!” This gives me plenty of opportunity to tickle, disguising my motives as concern for his well-being. Of course every child sees through my silly excuse, but by then the situation has been diffused and we are both giggling and the bulk of the anger has dissolved.

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This silly tickle episode typically helps open the door to serious dialogue afterward and we can resolve an issue without arguments and/or anger.

Coping Strategy #5: Better Than the Alternative

When I’m exhausted and have been going through something particularly rough with one (or more) of our kids, I inevitably start feeling sorry for myself. Please tell me I’m not the only one!

I’ll think absurd thoughts like, “I bet nobody else has to deal with this kind of torture,” or “Life wasn’t always this hard.”

But then my heart shoots some sense up to my whiny brain.

I begged for this. Begged. I was so preoccupied with wishing to be a mother, I could scarcely think of anything else. My heart ached. My life felt incomplete. Being a mother is one of the greatest joys and privileges of my life. Is it easy? (Is there a word stronger than NO?) Absolutely, positively, without a doubt NO! But I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to be a mother.

If you were blessed to have children right when you wanted them, you may not understand what I am talking about here. Imagine a Mother’s Day without your kids. Or a Christmas without that magic. Or all of the other inspiring things that come with having kids in your life. Imagine them all gone. Yes, your house would probably be quieter and cleaner, but it—and your heart—would be so much emptier.

Motherhood is hard. But it is also the best job on the planet. I would never trade these blessings for anything in the universe. Anything. And when I remind myself of that truth, and really inhale the gratitude I feel for my life and my children, I can do anything. Being a mom—even on the worst day—is far better than the alternative.

Sharing is Caring

Wherever you are on your parenting journey, I hope this helps bring a little more joy to you and your family. If you found some value in it, I hope you’ll share it with other moms. We are all in the trenches of this craziness. Let’s lift each other up and encourage each other. If you have a coping strategy that works or has worked for you with your kids, we’d all love it if you shared it below in the comments.