This word. I can’t even tell you what it does to my guts. Those big, twisted, salty pretzels from the mall come to mind. And intense, high-speed roller coasters. This is not a comfortable word. In fact, when it first came to my mind, I ignored it. Surely that couldn’t be it!
But it kept coming back. And when I finally sat down and listed potential words, it glared at me. It haunted me. Until it was down to my last two words. And then I took them with me to a place where I could sit in serene calmness and think and pray about the words. Fear still made me want to choose the other word. But I knew it was fear speaking, so I tried to ignore it.
I talked to my husband. I told him the two words I was choosing between. In his very next breath he confirmed my fears. And I had to stop denying it. I knew this was my word. I knew it, but I didn’t like it.
So I thought about it. Why don’t I like it? What is so terrible about this word? I looked back at my life and thought long and hard about why this word made me feel so uncomfortable.
Blend In
For most of my life I have worked hard to blend in. I cringed if someone noticed something I’d done and gave me a compliment. I didn’t want the attention. I just wanted to feel like I belonged. I just wanted to feel “normal.”
But through the years I have realized that if we are all being truly honest with ourselves and with each other, there is no “normal.”
If we pattered our lives the way we thought–and deeply felt–they should be, instead of the way everyone else’s appear to be, we would all be doing incredible–and very different–things. And that is OK, even if it’s scary downright terrifying.
Blending in may seem to be the comfortable choice. It may seem to be the path of least resistance. But it really isn’t. Because in order to “blend in,” we must become a watered-down version of ourselves. We cannot maintain the brilliance we were born with. Blending in means sacrificing the things that deep-down really matter to us so that we can satisfy some perceived social requirement. It’s a lot like shaving: you have to maintain it because it will keep resurfacing.
SHINE
My word for 2020 is SHINE. It took me several weeks–in fact, I was still struggling until this morning–to embrace this word. And while I am usually one for definitions, this time I felt like in order to really define what SHINE means to me, I had to say what it does not mean.
It doesn’t mean twinkle. I am not embarking on this new year hoping to grab a bunch of attention. I don’t want to be a distraction to anyone. That is not my goal. To me, SHINE does not incorporate glitter. Glitter has its place, but let’s face it: it can also be messy and really frustrating when it sticks to the wrong places and is easily moved by a light breath or a bit of static.
It doesn’t mean overpowering light. I have no intention of blaring light directly into anyone’s eyes. We’re not talking “spotlight” here in any way, shape, or form.
As I was studying this word and trying to wrap my head and my heart around it, I came across this wonderful poem that I feel exemplifies my hope for SHINE this year.
Isn’t that ultimately what life is all about? My goal this year is to be a light to everyone, not in an “ooh-look-at-me” kind of way because that is just not who I am or who I ever want to be. But instead, I want to be a light in a way that helps illuminate the lives of others so that they can find their ways and see the beauty around them.
As I sought out a picture that represented the idea, I found this:
This picture inspired me, not because of the glorious light streaming from the sky–even though that is awe-inspiring–, but because of the leaves. I want to be one of those leaves soaking up the sun, allowing it to pass through me, illuminating me and sharing more light with the leaves around me.
This is my goal for 2020.
Charge and Recharge
I have thought a lot about how things shine. I know that lights, flashlights, and even candles all require an energy source. I know that in order to shine, I will need to be more intentional in my efforts to recharge. I think recharging will take several forms, but in particular I know I will need to rest–physically and mentally. This is not something I am typically good at. I love to move, move, move. In a recent conversation with friends, we were each answering the question, “If you could have any superpower, what would you choose?” I think teleporting had already been eliminated from our choices (that’s always everybody’s go-to!), so I chose the ability to keep going without ever needing to sleep. But I need to remind myself that I do not have that superpower. My own light grows very dim when I don’t get enough rest. I know I will need to be more mindful of that throughout this year.
So there you have it.
Not the most comfortable word. But I guess if I want to progress, I have to keep pushing outside of my comfort zone.
So, here we go, 2020! I’m going to be over here doing what I can to SHINE!
I love your new word and the poem goes so perfectly with your thoughts! We can often be that light to bring light to others, but there are times when we need to let others be that light for us and when we do both of our lights shine brighter!
Thanks! I am so excited to see what this year brings!
Love this! And of course, a song immediately came to mind. It’s a song called Lost by Dermot Kennedy. The lyrics I think of are “If only you could see yourself in my eyes, you’d see you shine, you shine.” The poem you shared made me think of another song lyric, by the same artist, that is “You cause lanterns to light.”
Of course you had lyrics to go with my thoughts! You are amazing! Sounds like I have some anthems for my year! Thanks, Kristy!
I’m so proud of you and I’m so excited to watch you SHINE this year!
Thanks, MandieLee!